Insert Sharpshooting Immortal Here
by Mei1105
Summary: Oneshot. Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society fic. There's a Sue in the Underworld fandom, so the Society go to do what they do best - mess everything up even more!


**Disclaimer: **Underworld does not belong to me - surprise surprise.

**A/N: **See this children? This is how we spell 'crack'.

If you don't know of the Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, this will make NO SENSE!

This is set AFTER _Insert Pun on Genetic Mutation Here_ but BEFORE _Insert Red Skies Twilight Here._

This is also set post _Underworld Evolution, _with the events of _Rise of the Lycans _happening too.

Flames will be fed to my Filing Cabinet of No Return.

* * *

**Insert Sharpshooting Immortal Here**

A phone buzzed against the floor, before a loud blast of music burst into the room. There was a loud groan, followed by the 'fwump' of a pillow being moved to block out the unnecessary and annoying noise, however when this achieved naught, a long line of swear words were muttered into the dark room, and a hand reached over the bed and searched blindly for the infernal device that had been discarded the night previously along with the jeans that they currently resided in. An eternity of groping later, and the phone was slammed against a head.

"What?" the groggy Anti-Cliche and Mary-Sue Elimination Society leader demanded.

"Bonjour Tash, ca va bien?" Jess asked, not sounding too great herself. The leader raised an eyebrow.

"Jess its Sunday and its..." she paused to check her watch. "Seven thirty four in the morning. Why are you, of all people up this early, and why are you waking me to inform me of this fact?"

Seven words was all it took to sum up the situation, and Tash flung the covers back and began searching for her bag.

"Be there in five. Don't go anywhere."

She hung up abruptly and reached for her discarded jeans. An arm wrapped itself around her waist and pulled her back against the mattress. Tash squeaked as she found herself pressed against the warm body of her boyfriend.

"Where are you going?" the Librarian asked sleepily. Tash considered telling the truth, but she knew this would incite her lover to get up and deal with the problem himself – something she would not allow, as he was still supposed to be on recovery from the last fight he had got himself into. So she opted for half of the truth.

"Jess needs some help," she soothed. "Go back to sleep."

A couple of well placed pets to the kitty ears ensured that he let go of her and settled back against the mattress. There was a small meow, and a vague mutter.

"...naughty angel...don't be long..."

Tash blushed and giggled, before crawling out of bed. Silently, she hopped into her jeans, seized her handbag, and slipped out of the room, her happiness dissolving as she recalled Jess's brief words.

"_There's a Sue in the Underworld fandom."_

Not exactly what she had hoped to wake up to.

OOO

Her name was Alina Albina Sara Renata Sona Jolana Corvin, and already every immortal on the planet knew who she was.

She had always been there, though no one had ever realised it. She had first come to attention when she had swiftly taken over Amelia's coven in the west, after the Elder's unfortunate demise. Now with Markus and Viktor gone, and war between the vampires and lycans reaching exploding point, especially with no Cleaners around any longer to cover up the evidence of the war from the watchful eyes of the human world, there was desperate need among the vampires for a new ruling power. A power that had been discovered in Alina.

Disdain was caused among the remaining vampires in the east of course – Alina had not even been turned five years ago. How could she hope to rule the total vampire immortals throughout the world when she had not even seen a decade as an immortal? But Alina had proven herself to be a wise and worthy leader. She was as ruthless and skilled as any Death Dealer, and yet retained the tact and sense needed in the world of vampire politics. She was everything the vampires could possibly need in a leader, particularly in such desperate times. She even extended an invitation to Selene and Michael, granting them sanctuary with the vampires – an act which caused much scandal among the remaining vampires who had seen the better part of the past millennia.

Then something even more astounding had happened – though by this point the author had abandoned her story in disgust, unaware that her creation had now amassed enough power to continue warping the fandom regardless.

Not a day before Selene and Michael were due to arrive in the west (where Alina now ruled both covens), Alina had run into a group of angry, newly turned lycans. Mad with bloodlust, they had attacked, and though Alina had fought them off bravely, somehow one of them had managed to bite her.

Rather than die however, something extraordinary had happened.

Her body had proven itself able to combine the powers of both species, turning Alina into a hybrid.

The vampires had been set to force their new leader out, but somehow, none of them could bring themselves to do it. She was so perfect, and the coven was finally united and organised enough to keep the lycans at bay as well as keeping their existence secret from the humans. Even as a hybrid, more than one vampire would have loved to take this mysterious and powerful immortal as their bride. And yet among the speculation and debate, no one could explain how this had come to be in the first place. An immortal supposedly could not survive a bite from both species unless they were a descendant of Alexander Corvinus.

The answer arrived along with Selene and Michael, the day after the attack.

Alina was in fact, Michael's older sister, whom he had not seen since leaving the states. She too carried the blood of Alexander Corvinus in her veins, and it was this that allowed her to survive the vampire and werewolf bite.

Michael had been shocked to hear of his sister ruling the vampire covens, for he had not even been aware that she had been turned into a vampire five years ago. Alina had pointed out (with tears in her bright blue eyes) that she had kept a low profile, feeling a failure in the family, when compared to her little brother, who had been going through college and earning his degree in medicine. She had felt hurt, and outcast, and so had severed ties with the family for all their sakes.

By now nothing made sense in this world any longer, and it was for this reason, that the Society had been alerted, and so many fanfiction readers had given this story up as a bad job.

OOO

Underworld was not a Black Listed fandom – a surprise to anyone who knew it, for it was certainly dangerous enough to merit a place on the infamous list. No one was entirely sure why it wasn't, but for whatever reason, the two Society agents were able to slip in without detection.

The worry was that so many characters in Underworld died easily – be they major characters or background filler, they all had a high chance of dying. And when the Society left a fandom, though they wiped all memory of their presence and the Sues, the one thing they could not do, was bring characters back from the dead. Keeping everyone alive (and the correct species) was a top priority for Tash and Jess, for that was one thing they would not be able to reverse if things went horribly wrong.

Right now, however, this was the least of the girl's concerns.

"We should have changed before we came here," Tash muttered, a blush of embarrassment remaining on her cheekbones, as she and her friend walked down the busy streets, trying to ignore the odd looks they were getting every now and then.

It was dark in the busy American town they had arrived in (apparently the location of Amelia's – now Alina's – coven), but the nightlife was by no means silent, and the streets were full of partying humans, unaware that they lived in a city that also housed a large group of vampires. From the loud thumping club music that seemed to stalk them through every street, and the fact that they had passed several shady groups of people, including a gang of drunken middle aged men, three hookers, and two young guys crouched in an alleyway, exchanging money, both girls already had the measure of the part of the city they had landed in. The thought that they had landed in the worst part of town did not comfort them, and they were taking pains to keep their heads down, to move quickly, and not draw attention to themselves.

"Well we did leave in a hurry..." Jess agreed, glancing down at the large Nightwish t-shirt she had slept in, and the dark purple pyjama pants that were just visible beneath the dark purple trench coat – Jess had swiped the coat from Adrian's laundry a few days ago, and was hoping that the Librarian would not miss it, for she was very attached to the colour.

Tash herself was no better, wearing her black jeans, and a nightshirt that stated "I am NOT a morning person..." in large letters across her chest. She was wearing the same blue trench coat that Adrian had given her so many months ago in the Fate/Stay Night fandom. Even now she couldn't help but think of the disaster that mission had been, and she hoped that this coat would not prove unlucky in such a dangerous fandom.

"We did," she nodded. The two girls had immediately grabbed their brief on Alina's actions from the computer, before heading to the weapons room to arm themselves to the teeth. Though they both possessed their own weapons (staff, body piercing needle and giant killer handbag deluxe version), they both knew that these were useless in a world where the fighting was done with guns at long distance, and not at close range. Maybe if they had been in the Rise of the Lycans part of this fandom, back when fighting was done with swords and spears, their regular weapons would have been fine, but for now, along with their usual Society gadget armoury, they were both armed with two handguns each, one with bullets of silver nitrate, and one with UV rounds. They were hoping that they would not have to use them though.

"Still," Jess gave her friend's coat a frown. "You couldn't have chosen a darker colour so we could blend in better?"

"I like this coat," Tash protested, before blushing as she realised how defensive she had sounded. "It smells like him..." she muttered, tugging it tighter around her body. Jess snickered.

"Ah to be young and with your first boyfriend..."

"I'm older than you!" Tash reminded her, her cheeks turning pinker. "And besides, you seem perfectly happy with your captured musicians."

Jess gave a grin that was anything but innocent. It was a well known fact in the Society that she had taken to using her room in the Library as a den of sin to 'entertain' various members of heavy metal bands (unsurprisingly, mostly from Nightwish).

"Any ideas how we're going to find this, Alina woman?" she asked.

"Not a clue," Tash admitted. "But I think if we wonder around this area enough, eventually a vampire or lycan will find us and give us somewhere to start..."

No sooner were the words out of her mouth, when there was a loud howl, and the wall to their immediate left exploded outwards in a shower of brick and concrete. Jess and Tash backed away hastily as a mess of matted dark fur emerged from the wreckage, snarling and baring teeth at them.

"Lycan," Jess stated, yanking one of her guns from her coat and unloading two rounds of silver nitrate bullets into the beast's skull. The immortal gave a pained screech, writhing in the wreckage, its claws scrabbling helplessly at the chunks of brick that littered the street.

A familiar face appeared in the space that had, ten seconds ago, contained a wall. Short dark hair framed electric blue eyes and skin that was so pale it was almost white. It was Selene, gun raised and her expression stony as she watched the Lycan's fur shrink back into its skin, and its body crack and twist as it regressed to human form again.

"Its dead," Jess stated firmly, replacing her gun as another figure jumped from the rooftops above their heads. Jess and Tash couldn't help but gulp. It was Michael in his hybrid form, and both girls couldn't help but realise how much more dangerous he looked in the flesh. Suddenly asking them for help looking for Alina didn't seem such a good idea – they were both perfectly capable of killing them just for what they had witnessed. Selene however, appeared to have another train of thought.

"You have silver nitrate rounds," she stated to Jess, her voice carrying a hint of demand. "Who are you two?"

"They're here to kill me!" came a cool voice from the rooftop. Tash and Jess turned just in time to see another hybrid land on their other side. Her skin was black, as were her eyes, and a pair of leathery bat-like wings extended from her back. They quickly shrunk back into her body however, and her skin turned back to a fair shade, her eyes regressing to a bright blue. She had long brown hair that fell to her waist, and somehow managed to stay out of her eyes no matter how much she moved.

Jess's brain was working rapidly – they couldn't take on all three at once, so her best bet was to Copyright Michael and Selene, so they didn't have to fight them too. She gave Tash a nudge in warning, before pressing her fingers briefly to her pentagram tattoo, and praying that something cool would happen.

An explosion of flames erupted from the concrete, blocking Alina from advancing. The Sue stumbled back briefly in shock, which gave Jess and Tash enough time to slap Copyrights on the stunned canon character's foreheads.

"Quick thinking Jess," Tash congratulated, as Michael and Selene shook their heads as though waking from a bad dream.

"What's going on?" Selene asked, as an angry shriek appeared from the other side of the flames. Alina ripped out her guns and fired. Tash and Jess scrambled for cover as Selene returned with her own bullets, and Michael shifted into hybrid form to counter the threatening immortal.

"Y'know," Jess stated to Tash. "Alina is up against another hybrid, and a Death Dealer who has enhanced strength from Alexander Corvinus...do we really need to do anything?"

Tash tilted her head to the side, thinking for a minute, before she grinned. "Y'know, I don't think we do...you got any popcorn?"

She had only been joking, but Jess dug around in her handbag anyway...

...and let out an unholy shriek which attracted the attention of all three feuding immortals.

"What the crap?!" Tash demanded as Jess dropped her bag and scurried behind the Society leader for protection.

"OMIGOD OMIGOD OMIGOD!" Jess's panic was bordering on hysteria, as her bag wriggled and a bald, wrinkled head appeared, looking around curiously. The creature looked very much like a baby which hadn't fully finished developing. Tash pulled a face.

"Wait...Jess is that...?"

"Leonard!" Jess screamed, squeezing her friend's arm tightly, her whole body shaking...

...except it wasn't just her shaking. The whole earth began to quake, and an angry glow emanated from Jess's tattoo. Winds picked up fiercely around the group, followed by a flood of water, and tongues of flame, which whirled around in the miniature hurricane, sending everyone flying flat to the ground.

Suddenly, the chaos vanished, leaving a broken, scorched and partially flooded street behind it, and Jess was slumped against the ground unconscious. Tash, recognising the symptoms of a full blown panic attack, and knowing that they didn't have time to wait until it was over, had slammed the hilt of her gun into the back of her friend's head, knocking her out immediately.

Throughout all of this, Leonard was crawling his way towards Michael with a look on his face that could almost pass for hunger...

...until Selene shot him in the foot with a silver bullet, and Tash had the sense to seize Jess's bag and dump it over the deformed creature. Scooping him up, she yanked the zip tightly shut, before dropping the bag in disgust.

"That was one of the most disgusting and frightening things I've ever had to do..." she stated. "I see why Jess is terrified of him..."

She glanced around, suddenly realising that someone was missing.

"Where did Alina go?!" she demanded. Selene didn't answer with words, and instead began unloading bullets twenty feet away. Alina had crawled away from the wreckage and was scrambling through a hastily summoned plot hole. A scream and a shower of blood was the only impression the bullets left as the hole sealed up again.

"Bollocks!" Tash shouted, stamping her foot angrily.

OOO

"...and then I shoved my hand in and felt something slimy and there were these _eyes _looking back at me and I...ewwww!"

Jess was still freaking out an hour after waking up. Tash had dragged her back to the Library after ensuring that the Underworld fandom had been restored and the characters had had their memories wiped. The Society had been unsure of what to do with Leonard, until Adrian had suggested putting him in a cage, and locking him in the Room of Things Man Was Not Meant to Know, an idea with which everyone agreed.

Upon revival, Jess had immediately ordered her bag to be emptied for the first time in ages (a monumental task in itself). Food had been thrown away, medicine was being replaced, and the rest of her possessions were being disinfected as they spoke. Jess herself had taken a long hot shower, had the lump on the back of her head inspected by Valerie (while the healer berated Tash for being so violent), and was now curled up in one of the armchairs in a large fluffy purple dressing gown with a steaming mug of coffee.

"How did Leonard even survive in the bag?" Valerie asked, as she finished with Jess's head injury. "I thought he needed a host to attach himself too? Isn't that why he was killing all those people in the X-Files fandom?"

"Probably the concoction of chemicals in Jess's handbag," Tash mused having cleaned up and changed back into her own pyjamas. Jess gave another frightened squeak, and both girls sighed.

"Calm down Jess," the leader soothed. "Leonard is locked away nice and tight. He won't be haunting you anymore..."

"Except in my nightmares," Jess whimpered. Valerie looked upset to see Jess in such distress, and Tash gave her friend's back a cautious glance.

"You're going to need to learn to control that tattoo...we can't have you demolishing your room each time you have a nightmare..."

"I can help," Valerie offered. "I'm good with emotional magic."

Jess gave her a grateful look. Harriet strode into the room at this point, managing to look incredibly impressive despite the fact she was balancing a tray of food precariously in her arms.

"I have provisions!" she declared, several biscuits sliding off the tray as she set it on the table.

"M'not hungry..." Jess muttered. Harriet frowned and waved a long plastic bag in her face.

"Not even for a meatball marinara subway?"

Despite herself, Jess's mouth twitched slightly.

"Did you get me a foot long?" she asked, in a tone laced with innuendo. Harriet smirked.

"Of course. Only a foot long for my favourite lover."

"Hati!" Tash wailed. "I thought I was your favourite lover!"

"Shh!" Harriet covered Tash's mouth and plonked a Subway bag in her lap too. "You're my _secret _lover darling...and I got you a foot long too, so don't be jealous."

She picked up a shortbread biscuit and began to munch.

"So the Sue got away?"

"Yup," Tash nodded, digging her teeth into her sub. "She's wounded though, which is a plus..."

"But it doesn't excuse her for getting us both up at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning!" Jess suddenly yelled with renewed anger and determination. Tash's eyes opened wide and she gasped.

"That's right! She'll pay for waking us up at seven am, especially on a weekend!"

They struck identical poses, and lightning flashed dramatically behind them. The other Society members in the room exchanged looks. Harriet smirked.

"See, all it takes to revive a fighting spirit is a Subway..."

"But where did the lightning come from?" Valerie asked curiously.

At this point, Adrian, who had been standing at the door unseen by everyone else, suddenly cleared his throat. Apparently he was the reason for the lightning crash.

"Just thought you'd both like to know," he fixed Tash and Jess with a look. "As of five minutes ago, Underworld is on the Black List, and you two are now dusting the biography section until I'm happy!"

"...bollocks," both agents said together.


End file.
